My Grandpa, the Spy by Kingsley Markham

KEVIN:
Hey Grandpa. Sorry I’m late. Nurse Browell said you weren’t feeling well.
GRANDPA:
I am perfectly well, Kevin. Nurse Browell and I are just having a contest of wills. She is trying to get me to take a sleeping pill at night. I have explained that I find three hours of sleep quite refreshing. Besides I have built up an immunity to such medicines in my line of work.
KEVIN:
She is just doing what she thinks is right, I guess.
GRANDPA:
That woman thinks that because I am old, I belong in a home.
KEVIN
But Grandpa, you are in a home.
GRANDPA:
Yes, but I don’t belong here. This is just deep cover.
KEVIN: Right....
GRANDPA:
But here we are talking about my problems. You look terrible Kevin. Have a seat. Can a get you anything? A martini? Some hemorrhoid cream?
KEVIN:
It’s fine. I’m just having some trouble at school. There’s this bully. And there’s this girl I like. And...and it’s hopeless.
GRANDPA:
Kevin, listen. I know that you see me as a sophisticated man of the world, a figure of mystery and romance, and your own personal hero. And all of that is true. But I’m also your grandfather. Let me help.
KEVIN:
That’s so nice. But there’s nothing you can do.
GRANDPA:
Oh I think there is. You see, I have certain....skills. Kevin, this will shock you! And I tell you only because you are my first or second favorite grandchild. I...am...a...secret agent.
KEVIN:
You tell everyone that you are a secret agent, Grandpa. You told Nurse Browell that IKEA was the front for a Swedish spy ring.
GRANDPA:
Yes, but that is part of my cunning. Kevin, someday I will be an old man. Even now I...forget things.
KEVIN:
Like when you forgot your pants when you were going to the dining hall.
GRANDPA:
I had a good reason for that one, but let it pass. You see, as an agent I feared that as I enter my senior years, I might accidentally divulge some state secret. But if I convince everyone that I am deluded, they won’t believe anything I say. Tremble at the genius, Kevin.
KEVIN:
Do you want me to read to you, Grandpa?
GRANDPA:
No. Tell me your troubles. About the bully. About the girl. I am at your disposal, Kevin. So what do you want. Assassination training? Seduction advice?
KEVIN:
Okay. There’s this girl in math class named Serena....
SERENA: Hey Kev!
KEVIN:
And she is beautiful. And always talks to me.
SERENA:
So Kev, could you show me how to do number 9? Let me just pull my chair closer so I can see. Wow, you write your numbers so decisively.
GRANDPA:
I see. This Serena girl is bullying you.
KEVIN:
No. That’s the girl I like. I just don’t know if she likes me.