My Grandpa, the Spy by Kingsley Markham

KEVIN: Hey Grandpa. Sorry I’m late. Nurse Browell said you weren’t feeling well.

GRANDPA: I am perfectly well, Kevin. Nurse Browell and I are just having a contest of wills. She is trying to get me to take a sleeping pill at night. I have explained that I find three hours of sleep quite refreshing. Besides I have built up an immunity to such medicines in my line of work.

KEVIN: She is just doing what she thinks is right, I guess.

GRANDPA: That woman thinks that because I am old, I belong in a home.

KEVIN But Grandpa, you are in a home.

GRANDPA: Yes, but I don’t belong here. This is just deep cover.

KEVIN: Right....

GRANDPA: But here we are talking about my problems. You look terrible Kevin. Have a seat. Can a get you anything? A martini? Some hemorrhoid cream?

KEVIN: It’s fine. I’m just having some trouble at school. There’s this bully. And there’s this girl I like. And...and it’s hopeless.

GRANDPA: Kevin, listen. I know that you see me as a sophisticated man of the world, a figure of mystery and romance, and your own personal hero. And all of that is true. But I’m also your grandfather. Let me help.

KEVIN: That’s so nice. But there’s nothing you can do.

GRANDPA:

Oh I think there is. You see, I have certain....skills. Kevin, this will shock you! And I tell you only because you are my first or second favorite grandchild. I...am...a...secret agent.

KEVIN: You tell everyone that you are a secret agent, Grandpa. You told Nurse Browell that IKEA was the front for a Swedish spy ring.

GRANDPA: Yes, but that is part of my cunning. Kevin, someday I will be an old man. Even now I...forget things.

KEVIN: Like when you forgot your pants when you were going to the dining hall.

GRANDPA: I had a good reason for that one, but let it pass. You see, as an agent I feared that as I enter my senior years, I might accidentally divulge some state secret. But if I convince everyone that I am deluded, they won’t believe anything I say. Tremble at the genius, Kevin.

KEVIN: Do you want me to read to you, Grandpa?

GRANDPA: No. Tell me your troubles. About the bully. About the girl. I am at your disposal, Kevin. So what do you want. Assassination training? Seduction advice?

KEVIN: Okay. There’s this girl in math class named Serena....

SERENA: Hey Kev!

KEVIN: And she is beautiful. And always talks to me.

SERENA: So Kev, could you show me how to do number 9? Let me just pull my chair closer so I can see. Wow, you write your numbers so decisively.

GRANDPA: I see. This Serena girl is bullying you.

KEVIN: No. That’s the girl I like. I just don’t know if she likes me.